Nine Months Inside My Own Mind. Notice Your Mind

A simple black and white illustration of two overlapping triangles along with a hexagram enclosed within a circle.

Nine Months Inside My Own Mind

Nine months ago, I began watching my thoughts. Simple observation. What started as curiosity became a profound journey of self-discovery.

The Beginning

I would stop everything. Let the noise settle. Then watch.

At first, I just noticed obvious things—worry, judgment, planning. But as days turned to weeks, I began seeing deeper. I watched myself watching. Then watched myself watching the watcher. Like infinite mirrors reflecting consciousness back to itself.

Here's what I mean: I'd catch myself getting angry, then notice I'm judging myself for being angry, then realize I'm watching that whole process happen. Layer upon layer of awareness, each one showing me more about how I operate.

The First Discovery

Around month three, I found it—the place where I split from myself. Those moments when I abandon my own knowing. When I choose familiar discomfort over unfamiliar peace. The watching showed me exactly where and how I leave myself behind.

The Discomfort

Seeing these splits was painful. But seeing alone changed nothing. I had to feel each split completely. Had to sit with the discomfort of why I choose separation over wholeness.

Then came the hardest part: acting from where I wanted to be instead of where I was. Choosing my preferred outcome even when every cell in my body resisted.

The first time I did this, my hands literally shook. I saw myself about to repeat an old pattern with Babes—withdrawing when I felt hurt. But instead of pulling away, I moved toward him. Shared my hurt. Stayed present. It felt like jumping off a cliff. That jump showed me transformation lived in that unbearable gap between old patterns and new choices.

The Symbol That Guided Me

Two triangles within a circle became my map. One triangle pointing up—my aspirations, my reaching. One pointing down—my grounding, my roots. The circle holding both—the awareness that contains all movement and stillness.

Where the triangles overlap, they create a hexagon. This six-sided center became crucial to my practice. It represents the stable point where opposites meet—where up and down, reaching and grounding, create a new space. This is where I learned to rest. Where the watcher and watched merge. Where movement and stillness coexist.

Month by Month

Months four and five tested me. The novelty wore off. Watching became tedious. I'd see the same patterns repeatedly and feel hopeless about changing them. Some days I wanted to quit, to go back to unconscious living where ignorance felt easier.

But I stayed. Because even in the tedium, tiny shifts were happening. I was catching my patterns faster. Feeling the splits sooner. The gap between seeing and choosing differently was shrinking.

By month six, I could feel the movement within my stillness. That alive quality of awareness that holds everything while being disturbed by nothing. Month seven brought stability. Month eight, integration.

The Birth

Month nine brought full integration. The watching became natural. I could feel discord the moment it arose, tend to it with patience, choose alignment even through discomfort.

What was born? A new relationship with myself. The ability to stay present with whatever arises. To feel the movement within stillness. To choose wholeness repeatedly until it becomes home.

The Practice Now

When I feel out of tune, I stop. Let everything settle. Find what's most discordant. Feel it fully. Then act from alignment to a more preferred outcome, comfortable or not.

This is deepening self-care. Every moment of patient observation. Every choice toward wholeness. Every return to center when I've split away.

For Those Who Recognize This

Maybe you're feeling it too. The call to watch yourself more closely. Notice your mind. The sense that your consciousness is gestating something new. The knowing that patient self-observation changes everything.

Your journey might look different. Your timing might vary. But we all birth ourselves through awareness, through the willingness to see, feel, and choose differently.

Your First Step

Tonight, before you sleep, try this: Watch one thought completely. Follow it from birth to death. Notice who's watching. That's where your nine months begins.

P.S. Some journeys can only be lived to be understood. The geometry of consciousness reveals itself to those who watch with patience. If these words resonate, trust what's stirring in you.